You’re autistic! The words I’ve been waiting to hear for over thirty-one years. To have my whole existence validated and understood. Finally!
Today I had my official autism assessment. And I cried. It was a huge relief. It’s been a long journey to get to this moment. Just hearing the words “yes, you’re autistic” felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I finally felt heard. And that’s a powerful thing!
I’ve known for a long time that I’ve got the ’tism. I’ve been identifying as autistic since the beginning of 2022. I had been informally diagnosed by a psychologist who specialised in female autism. She couldn’t give me the piece of paper I was looking for, but she was pretty sure I was and so was I. Years prior to that, colleagues had asked me if I was on the spectrum and I remember shaking my head, laughing, not taking them seriously at all. Looking back, I see that it just wasn’t the right time in my life to explore the possibility of being autistic.
After having it confirmed in 2022, I did a LOT of research. I was looking at scientific studies, watching videos from experts in the autism field and reading every book and article I could find on autism in women (which wasn’t as much as I’d hoped). I had to know everything about it. I didn’t just watch a TikTok video and start identifying as autistic. It took a lot of time and I had to gain a lot of knowledge to convince myself that I am autistic.
Many many months later I walked into my doctor’s office with a 100 page document on why I thought I was autistic (which is the most obviously autistic thing I’ve probably ever done). I compared every trait in the DSM5 against my whole life, my childhood, my adolescence and adulthood. Everything was finally clicking into place… Maybe I’m not an alien after all? Maybe there is a reason I am the way I am? Maybe I have just been disabled this whole time?
Coming out as autistic to my family, friends and even strangers on the internet was a nervewracking moment. And I did have my doubts on whether or not it was the right thing to do. I announced it with a poem, in true EJ fashion. It felt right. “Formal” diagnosis or not, there was a little voice inside of me, urging me to finally live my truth. I couldn’t wait
for the validation of others. I couldn’t wait years for a professional, who doesn’t know me, to tell me what is going on inside my own brain. I had to find out who the hell I was. No more time to waste.
As well as finding out I am autistic in 2022, I was going through so many life changes during that time, including the breakdown of a twelve year relationship. I was overwhelmed with loss and confusion, I was learning to adapt to a new life. I was living with a parent again at the age of twenty-eight, navigating the world of dating and being single for the first time. And then, much to my surprise, I fell head over heels in love with someone new. And I also moved into my own apartment, living alone for the first time. So the year 2022 was a lot. I felt like I was spinning around in circles. Trying to find something to ground me. And autism became that thing for me. Something to cling to. To envelop myself in. To distract me. To obsess over. Which is autism coded in itself isn’t it?
2023 and 2024 have been the years I have really figured out everything and settled down. Finding out I was autistic was a catalyst. That helped me find healthy love, not just from others but for myself. It helped me make peace with past versions of myself and encouraged me to my boldest, brightest and weirdest self. The last few years of my life have been filled with so much hope and strength and I don’t think I would have experienced the same journey if I was still highly masked.
My current therapist, who also specialises in neurodivergent clients, accepted and understood my different neurotype. She is giving me the strategies and support I need to live and thrive as an autistic person. I see her once a month and I am making massive strides in my sessions towards being the person I want to be.
Being autistic to me is many things. It’s a huge part of my identity. But not my whole identity. It is a disability. I am disabled. And it took me a long time to fully accept that fact, as I had to reverse my internalised ableism to realise I can occupy room in a disabled space. It’s also something I am proud of. And I love to advocate for myself and others in the autism community. My day job in the charity sector involves helping and supporting autistic people and their families and I am passionate about what I do.
I don’t always like being autistic. If I’m so burned out that I can’t leave the house or I am having an intense meltdown in a supermarket, I do wish sometimes that I wasn’t autistic. And that’s okay too. It’s not shameful to admit that you wish you didn’t have the extra struggles you have in life. It’s okay to wish things were easier. Autism isn’t sunshine and rainbows. On the harder days, I have to remind myself of this.
To me being autistic is living life so intensely on the inside but mostly appearing neutral on the outside. Autism is an invisible and internal struggle a lot of the time. There is no “look” or “way” to tell if someone is autistic or dealing with struggles related to their autism. The universal feeling of being autistic is feeling different. Like you were born on the wrong planet or speaking a different language. And the weird thing is, you don’t know you are speaking a different language. And then one day, you’re told otherwise and then it all makes sense!
There are so many beautiful things about being autistic. For me it’s wonderful to do things and see things in a unique way. I can focus on the smaller details that others miss. See the beauty in hidden places. Absorb and feel everything so deeply that I can’t help but dance and move my body because I am overwhelmed with emotion, good and bad. In the right environment, being autistic can be so joyful. Like experiencing in high intensity the beauty and love in the world in slow motion. I can feel everything so deeply as an autistic person: love, beauty, music, hope. And this helps me to be the fearless writer that I am.
Being autistic is an explanation for everything. And I am proud to say with utmost certainty, hello I’m EJ and I’m autistic. So happy diagnosis day to me! I hope I can now move forward with more love and peace. And if you’re not sure what to say to me, then say I’m happy for you or congratulations, because finally knowing who you are, should be a cause for celebration.
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