Every year, I write a blog post on the night before my birthday, reflecting on the year that has passed. It’s my way of pausing for a moment and noticing how much has changed in my life and in myself. I have been doing this since I turned 20, and now I am about to turn 33. Time feels faster now. I can feel it; can you? I am hurtling towards so many unknowns, and while that used to scare me, it now feels like something I am learning to sit with. It still frightens me a little, but there is also this growing excitement, a swirling glee in my chest when I think about just how much life might still open up for me.
We are conditioned to fear ageing, especially women. But I feel lucky to be surrounded by some incredible female role models in my life. I watch them, I listen to them, I learn from them, whether they are younger than me, the same age, or much older. I have learned that one of the biggest myths we are told is that women become less relevant, less beautiful or less powerful with age. I don’t feel that at all. If anything, I feel like I am becoming more myself. I am heading towards my mid-thirties, and I have never felt more powerful, more full of love, or more in tune with who I actually am. If I had to name it, I would call it my feminine divine, and it feels like it has been growing steadily as I move through this third decade of life. My light feels like it has been getting stronger with every lesson I have had to learn, and the more I heal, the more I understand that society is often uncomfortable with women ageing because we become harder to shrink. Our voices get louder, our emotions get deeper, and we start to step into our own potential in a way that cannot really be ignored. It is something I can feel in other women too, and something I feel growing inside myself as well.
When I write these reflections every year, I always try to lay it all bare, the good, the bad, and the messy parts in between. This post is no different. But I want to start from a place of gratitude and empowerment because that is where I find myself right now. Of course, there have been hard days and difficult moments, and I will come to those, but I genuinely think 32 has been my favourite age so far. I have always looked at my life in two parts: the life before I turned 28 and the life I started building after that. I am starting to soften that way of thinking now. I think it came from needing to make sense of heartbreak in 2021, and to protect myself from certain memories and versions of my life. There are parts of that earlier chapter that I still find hard to sit with, but I don’t want to erase those versions of myself anymore, because I can see now that it only creates a kind of self-abandonment that I am trying to unlearn.
Over the past year, both in therapy and outside of it, I have been doing a lot of inner child work. It has brought me closer to all these different versions of myself: the eight-year-old me, the twelve-year-old, the eighteen-year-old, and the twenty-five-year-old me. It has been a strange and tender part of this healing journey, sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes unexpectedly emotional, but also really grounding. I have had to give little EJ a lot of love and patience as I try to work through some of the deeper wounds I carry, the beliefs I formed about myself that were never really true. I have had to sit with the young woman in her twenties who didn’t know how to ask for the love she deserved, so she stayed in situations that weren’t right for her. I have had to really see the version of me who hid parts of herself just to fit in, even when it cost her joy, and I have had to care for the child who believed she was too much, and slowly start to show her that what she thought was too much is actually just her light.
The last chapter has not been without its difficulties. There have been ups and downs in relationships, in health, and in confidence. There have been moments of grief, uncertainty, pain, and doubt that I have had to move through. But even with all of that, I honestly think chapter 32 has been my fun era in its own way. I have said yes to more things. I have made more memories. I have tried to stay open to life even when things felt heavy. Since my last birthday, there have been so many wonderful moments, and even though life is never just one thing, I feel really grateful for the year I have had.
Creatively, this year has felt really full. I went to a book fair and a local writing festival to sell my books, and the writing festival in particular felt like a big moment for me because I performed my poetry in front of an audience and by the end of it I had sold out every copy of my two books. I am still promoting Darkness & Light (2020) and Sins & Sunflowers: Second Edition (2023), but I have also been working on my third collection, slowly and steadily, and adding poems into chapbooks that I hope to submit in the future. Since 2024, I have been entering more competitions and sending work out into journals, magazines, and zines, which still feels slightly terrifying but also really important for me and my goals as a poet. I was really happy that my poem Secrets in Bathroom Stalls was published by Flare Lit Magazine, and You Are Poetry was featured on the One Poem Only podcast. I also had the chance to share more of my story on the Spoken Label podcast; it was an 80-minute conversation (my most in-depth interview yet), and Happiful magazine also reached out after I was runner-up in their poetry prize last year. I also performed at an International Women’s Day event, and I really want to do more open mic nights in this next chapter, and I even have plans to start my own.
I have always been multi-passionate, and I feel like chapter 32 has really reflected that. I have continued playing guitar, writing songs, and I am still learning piano. It is self-taught, so it is slow and sometimes frustrating, especially when life is busy, but I like that I am still showing up for it. One of my goals for 2025 was to perform one of my original songs live, something I have not done in over a decade because of stage fright. I still want to do this in chapter 33. It feels scary in a different way than poetry, but I know something is waiting for me on the other side of that fear. My confidence is slowly growing, and I am trying to trust that timing a little more.
There are other creative things I have been exploring too. I never really like staying still for too long. I am always picking up something new, a new skill or hobby, a new way to make something with my hands. Sometimes it feels chaotic, but it is also just who I am. I have been working on embroidery and cross-stitch; I did my first craft stall last year, and now I am learning crochet, which has been surprisingly calming and really fun.
This year I also attended some online poetry workshops and then decided to take a bit of a leap and start my own. Holding Space is a monthly series of online poetry workshops that I began planning at the end of last year. I started with Holding Space for Hope in January, and I’ve been doing one every month; it has been a real learning curve for me as a facilitator, but also something I am really proud of. I got accepted onto an Artist Leaders Programme which gave me a real push in confidence, and even though the group is still small with my Holding Space workshops, it feels really special. I am excited to see how it grows over time.
I have also been trying to be more independent in small ways, going to events on my own and taking myself on solo days out. I really recommend it, even if you are in a relationship. I have gone to the cinema and book events by myself, and I have met two of my favourite poets, Nikita Gill and Donna Ashworth. I also went to a Jacqueline Wilson and Dani Harmer book event, which felt really nostalgic and joyful to witness.
I feel really grateful for the people in my life. My partner JJ has been my rock as always; he’s the person I lean on when things feel heavy, and he’s also the person who celebrates with me when things feel good. We have had so many moments together this year: creative date nights, birthdays, Halloween costumes as Agent Mulder and Agent Scully, concerts, festivals, gaming events, our anniversary, Christmas traditions, and so many more little in-between moments that make up our life together.
My friendships are always important to me too. Even though one friendship ended last year, which was painful in its own way, I am learning that people come and go for reasons I may not always understand. I have had so many beautiful moments with the people who are still in my life: board game nights, museum trips, midsummer parties, Friendmas gatherings, bowling, picnics, meals out, and so many shared small joys. I also feel really lucky to be part of my neurodivergent girls group, with book clubs, workshops, social events, and just being around people who understand things without needing to explain too much. I have also had another wonderful year being a Swiftie, going to The Life of a Showgirl release film with my friend Jess and watching the Eras Tour documentary, which honestly felt really special to see the behind-the-scenes of the biggest tour she’s ever done.
Family life has been full-on as well in this life chapter. I went to a vintage fair with my dad, celebrated my baby brother turning 21, spent time with my partner’s family by the seaside, celebrated my nephew turning four, had afternoon tea with my mum and sisters, tried on bridesmaids’ dresses for my sister’s wedding, went on the hen weekend, and then finally watched my sister get married last weekend. That day felt really emotional for me, in the best way. I felt a lot of pride, and a lot of gratitude, and I think I will carry that feeling for a long time.
Health-wise, there have been challenges this year too. I had a three-month period of unexplained chronic pain, which was eventually resolved, but I still manage PMDD and migraines, and I am vulnerable to burnout because of my neurodivergence. I am trying to be kinder with myself around that. I have been moving more, going to the gym, lifting weights, going back to yoga, and I started a musical theatre dance class recently, which has been so much fun and honestly feels like I am nurturing a former version of me I thought had disappeared forever. Work has been a big adjustment too, going from part-time to full-time; I also had the chance to meet my team in London at the end of last year.
I have been documenting my life more than ever through photos, videos, writing, and poetry, and I think I am learning that there is something really powerful in paying attention. There is magic in ordinary things. In a chocolate bar at the end of a long day, in flowers on a kitchen table, in swings at the park, in browsing bookshops, in writing in coffee shops, in dog sitting for a neighbour, in cooking a simple meal, in small moments of progress in therapy that no one else sees. Life is made of all of these things, and I am trying to notice them more and more as they happen.
There are so many things I am looking forward to. So many unknowns ahead, so many possibilities I cannot yet see. In chapter 33, I hope I continue to grow, to soften, to create, to love more deeply, and to become even more myself than I already am. I am really curious to see what this next chapter brings, and I am stepping into it with a lot of hope, a bit of fear, and a lot of love for this messy, beautiful life of mine.
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